How we fall in love and the psychology behind it.

If you listen to the psychology research, falling in love isn't a matter of destiny — it's a mixture of biology, upbringing, and context. 

But that doesn't make it any less mysterious. 

Since your partner plays a significant role in your long-term health, happiness, and career prospects, we've scoured the studies and collected some of the reasons two people click.If you're really, really alike.

Decades of studies have shown that the cliché that "opposites attract" is totally off.

"Partners who are similar in broad dispositions, like personality, are more likely to feel the same way in their day-to-day lives," said Gian Gonzaga, lead author of a study of couples who met on eHarmony. "This may make it easier for partners to understand each other." 
If you share three basic compatibilities.
According to the work of Canadian psychologist Eric Berne, the best-matched couples vibe on three different levels.

His popular books about the model became best sellers, namely "The Games People Play." Drawing somewhat on Sigmund Freud, his theory argued that every person has three "ego states":

• The parent: What you've been taught

• The child: What you have felt

• The adult: What you have learned

When two people are really compatible, they connect along each tier. Couples therapist Peter Pearson gave us a few questions for figuring out compatibility at each level:

• The parent: Do you have similar values and beliefs about the world?

• The child: Do you have fun together? Can you be spontaneous? Do you think your partner's hot? Do you like to travel together?

• The adult: Does each person think the other is bright? Are you good at solving problems together?


If you stare into each others' eyes for two minutes
University of Massachusetts psychologist Joan Kellerman asked 72 unacquainted undergrads to pair off and stare into each others eyes for two minutes. 

"They later reported they had increased feelings of passionate love and affection towards the other person," Scientific American reports. "This suggests that long periods of eye contact can connect you to someone and even ignite feelings of love inside you for that person you have never previously met."
 If you respond to their "bids" for attention and you do the same for them.Starting — and growing — a relationship seems to largely depend on how people attend to one another. Over 40 years of studying couples, psychologist John Gottman says it's a matter of "bids." For example, if a bird-loving wife points out to her husband that a goldfinch just flew landed in a nearby tree, he can "turn away" from her by dismissing the remark or "turn toward" her by sharing her enthusiasm.

A person's sex drive or libido, lust, is driven by other biochemicals, such as estrogens and androgens. Lust is about a general desire for sexual gratification with any partner you deem appropriate. Lust is different from attraction, which is passionate or obsessive love, infatuation. Here, a person focuses their energy and attention on a mating partner they prefer in particular.

Varying levels of chemicals such as norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin seem to play a role in causing feelings of elation, euphoria, wanting an emotional attachment to this person, and constant thinking about the object of their desire. From a biological and reproductive standpoint, the theory goes that such emotions came to be in order to drive a person to focus their limited energetic resources on rooting out unsuitable partners, finding the most genetically superior one, and pursuing them until insemination has occurred.

Before even thinking about going down the road of learning how to make a person fall madly in love with you, you need to take a look at the psychological aspect of it, and no, it has nothing to do with magic potions and midnight under the moon chanting sessions.

Without even realising it, you and everyone else you know has a checklist stored in the back of your mind. On this list there’s a set criteria, a criteria that your potential love interest must meet before you will be able to fall in love with them. Psychologists call this list a ‘Lovemap.’

If someone doesn’t match one or more of the points in this list, they’re automatically disqualified as a potential love partner and they’re likely to just remain your friend, this is why you might fall in love with one person while others will just be your “friends.” This is what makes people fall in love.

Of course each person’s checklist is different and unique. The items on your list depend on your:

• Values • Beliefs • Past experiences • Background • Previous relationships

This is also the reason why your friend might fall in love with a man that you consider ordinary and nothing special. This man matches her own unique ‘Lovemap,’ not yours. Calculating matches to see if a person lives up to our checklist is not a conscious action on our part, it’s done subconsciously, without thinking about it. The mind does it all on its own. Just like your mind is telling your heart to beat as your reading this page …even though you weren’t consciously aware of it. This is why it’s possible to fall in love with a person and have no idea why you fell in love with them in the first place. Your subconscious is responsible.This is why love is such a “mysterious phenomenon” an, d many people put it all down to their own personal destiny. But in reality, it has nothing to do with fate, it was all related to your subconscious, which was quietly figuring out whether the person matches your checklist or not. The truth of the matter is that if you’re able to grow more aware of your subconscious mind’s specific criteria, you’ll be able to quickly determine why you fall for some people and not for others.

Below is an example of Jamie’s checklist. Jamie is a 26-year-old man with a couple of serious girlfriends behind him. He’s been out of university for 2 years and works in London. He’s tired of dating women on and off and is looking for a more serious partner. Jamie’s checklist begins with the following 4 conditions:

1. She must have the same level of education as me.

2. She must be a brunette (Jamie’s was once dumped by a brunette he was in love with and as a result his subconscious has included it in his checklist to help him make up for his past relationship failure with brunettes).

3. She must be close to her family and family-orientated. (Family and children are important to Jamie, and he’s looking for someone who would potentially make a great mother. You see, we’re attracted to people who have what we want and need, which is why Jamie included this in his list).

4. She must like to travel.

If Jamie’s currently single, but looking for a partner, and met a wonderful woman with red hair, the chances are he’s not going to fall in love with her. Although he might think of her as nice, he’s not going to really understand that the thing that’s stopping the attraction …is his subconscious list of different criteria he’s looking for.

It’s only when another person ticks the boxes on the majority of the criteria (which are usually the most important points on your criteria list) will you be able to fall in love with that person. Your subconscious will then help you to remain in love with this person to ensure you get with them and maintain a good relationship with them. Because your subconscious attaches itself to this particular person like this, that’s why it’s often so difficult to forget a person you’re in love with even years after you’ve separated from that person.

How to manipulate the mind to ensure they love you back.

Here are a number of tried and tested methods that can help make another person fall in love with you. The beauty of these is that you can use them to make someone fall in love with you again if its an ex our your spouse you want to make fall in love with you.

1. Meeting the different criterion. We all have this list (or Lovemap) in our minds. This list has all the basic criteria what we expect to be met before we even think about falling in love with someone. It’s not a given that if a person does meet these criteria that we’ll fall in love with them, but if they don’t meet any, it’s almost certain that we could never fall in love with them. Some examples of such criteria could include: “He must love dogs,” “He must be active,” “He must be educated”, and so on. Before trying to make a person fall in love with you, do some research.

Find out all the basic information about their background and interests – the more you know the better, and then try to meet their criteria this way.

2. Fulfill their unmet need. When people are looking for a new partner, they’re trying to look for another person who’s similar to them in many ways. They look for their own personal strengths in a person, and also the opposite of their weaknesses. For example, a person who tends to feel inferior, but is also smart, will look for a partner who’s also smart, but instead of inferiority, they’ll seek confidence to help create a better balance. If you were trying to make someone fall in love with you who you know has an inferiority complex, making yourself appear confident to the person would be very effective at inducing feelings of love in them for you. When you take on the role as the more confident person, you’re subconsciously sending them a message telling them “I’ve got what you need!”.

3. How hard do you try? Many people often wonder whether persistence and constant chasing actually works. If the person you’re chasing is externally dependent, it’s highly likely chasing will work. Being externally dependent means that a person relies on something or someone to make them feel better or to escape a bad place in their life. If a person falls into this category, it’s highly probable that they’ll jump at any opportunity to get into a new relationship. In this case, the chances of making the person in question fall in love with you are much greater. In short, when people are more vulnerable and need being cared for, there’s a greater chance they’re going to fall in love with you quicker.

4. Use your mutual friends. If you and your heart’s desire have friends in common, you can and should use this to your advantage. The main reason behind this is because the subconscious is programmed easier when trusted sources (such as friends) are backing up what they are being programmed with. If their friends think you are great, chances are they will agree. If their friends think you’re an idiot, chances are they will agree. In a way it’s a subtle form of brainwashing – the more your mutual friends talk to them about how wonderful you are you’ll have a greater chance of establishing a place in their mind.

5. Manually wire their mind. The more you repeat something to someone, the more likely you will manipulate the person into thinking that particular thing. Why? It’s simple, continuous repetition can influence greatly the subconscious mind into accepting something. This by no means gives you license to call them every ten minutes – that would just suffocate them and essentially scare them off. You can easily programme their mind by subtly reminding them of your presence. Stay within sight, allow them to see you as much as possible, it doesn’t matter if you rarely talk or not, just stay where they can see you and you’ll be able to enforce your position on their mind.

6. Associate yourself with positive things. When your name is mentioned in a crowd, what’s the first word that’s likely to come to peoples’ minds? How do they see you? Do they think ‘strong-willed’, ‘happy’, ‘confident’, or is it something more negative like ‘needy’? The better you position yourself in peoples minds, the better people will perceive you. It doesn’t matter what you are (we all have negative qualities), it’s all about how they perceive you. And you’ll only want them to perceive you in a positive light.

Is there really such a thing as love at first sight or is it just a myth?

Love at first sight does indeed exist. If someone manages to meet your criteria that are on your subconscious list from the beginning, you’ll most likely fall in love with this person at first sight.

“Wait a minute though,” you say to yourself, “If I’ve never spoken to them ever, how can I possibly know whether they meet my criteria or not?” It’s easy. Your criteria may include things like the way they stand, walk, talk or even interact with others. This might occur if the person’s mannerisms, actions, appearance or something else reminds you of somebody else.

The classic example is if the person reminds you of someone you once loved before. We usually follow a pattern and fall in love with the same type of person that we loved in our past. So if someone reminds you of someone you once loved before, but you weren’t consciously aware that they were reminding you of someone from your past …you might find yourself falling in love at first sight with them and not really knowing why. You’ll then just think it was “fate” that you fell in love with them.

Thanks

John Alex Clark – Relationship & Life Coach