How to Heal the Relationship Between the Masculine and Feminine

One of the great themes of our changing times and particularly a theme for 2014 is the healing of the relationship between the masculine and the feminine. This may seem like a heavy topic for this time of year but the sooner we understand how to do this the quicker we can get started on the process. The window in time is now, so we ought not to waste any time delaying. The holidays can actually serve as a springboard to get started. Bear in mind that this article is only scratching the surface of a truly huge topic.

To begin I am going to define a few terms so that we can all be in agreement during this discussion. When I speak of the feminine I am talking about the feminine principle and not exclusively about women. There are some men who display more feminine characteristics than some women. All of us human beings have masculine and feminine sides to us whether we acknowledge it or not. Likewise when I mention the masculine I am not necessarily always talking about men because some women display more masculine elements than some men. This complication makes for a truly fascinating world.

In this article I intend to attempt to decode and understand some highly controversial topics and they may push your respective buttons. Please continue to read and you are likely to understand more clearly why I have said something that you might take exception to. One of the reasons that there is such intensity and lack of clarity in this whole topic is due to the fierce reactivity that people have about this subject. It is almost as if swords, guns, axes, and switchblades come out just at the mere mention of the masculine and the feminine. Do your best to hold an open mind until you have finished the article.

Now let us be clear about a few more things. On an essence level the masculine absolutely loves the feminine and the feminine absolutely loves the masculine because they are part of one another. Essence does not put them in opposition to each other knowing they are both necessary, both aspects of Spirit, only seen as separate by the human mind. The ego or false personality sees the masculine and the feminine in a totally different manner. For it, they are at war, in total opposition, separate beyond understanding, and they will always be so. So when you hear someone say, “I will never understand those damn women/men. They drive me crazy” this is the voice of the false personality who actually wants to capitalize on the separation and the misunderstanding so that the relationship will never be healed. In fact that is the last thing that the ego wants, is healing.

Now when there is the appearance of separation there are the seeds of distrust and where there is distrust there is fear and where there is fear there is anger and the potential for attack. Thus we have what appears to be war between the sexes. Now to solve this problem you could try to do what some religions have tried to do and draw a big line in the sand and separate the men from the women as much as possible. This has never worked nor will it ever. That is not the way to resolve imagined separation. So many religions have just perpetuated the problem of misunderstanding in the name of purity and propriety. Their solution is from the past and will not work today.

Let us take a look at the anger because anger is one of the most visible signs of trouble between the masculine and feminine. Why are men so angry with women that they would dominate them, disenfranchise them, beat and abuse them, rape them, and disrespect them? Let us look for a moment at conventional wisdom around the world, especially among indigenous people and the majority of the population. Here are some of them:

Women are more powerful than men.

Women are physically more resilient than men and extremely tough.

Women often let men think they are more powerful by letting them keep certain illusions.

Women rule the roost, are actually the bosses in life, especially in domestic affairs regarding the home, social affairs, and the finances.

Remember that among indigenous peoples these things are the biggest part of life. Hunting doesn’t take up as many hours. Women are the consumers of spirituality and therefore are in charge of the spiritual elements of life while men are in charge of the material aspects of life. At one time matriarchal tribes were the principle social unit in the world (before modern times) and many indigenous tribes are still matriarchal to this day.

Does this suggest, contrary to anthropological theories, that men secretly suspect that if allowed to, women would run everything. Are men afraid to give an inch because if they do they will be totally dominated? How many men are terrified of commitment because they are afraid they will lose their freedom and become a total slave to a wife and children? How many men have a token set of duties that makes them think they are the boss? How many men run off to various wars to give themselves a sense of pride in their machismo and the illusion that they are strong and powerful? The simple answer is many.

The masculine is hopelessly in love with the feminine but men are simultaneously furious with women. They always have been. Here is part of the reason why. Men know deep inside that they desperately need the feminine, can’t live reasonably without it. They are magnetically captivated by the feminine and think up various ways to attract her attention. However the feminine has the great secret power of dismissal. Females can dismiss the male and in nature they do it with regularity as part of the drive to strengthen the species. Throughout the animal kingdom the masculine tries to attract the female through great displays of feathers, antlers, dances, songs, and so on. The female uses her powers of dismissal over and over. Not you, you are too small. Not you, you are too dull. Not you, you are too slow. The males selected get to mate. The males rejected get to hang out on the periphery, often alone, and don’t get any cookies. In humans because they occupy mammal based simian bodies, the dismissal is also a part of the mating game but it does not end there. The feminine carries with it certain qualities of discernment, criticalness, demands, and requirements. The first thing a new mother does after giving birth is examine her infant to see if it has all digits, all parts in the right order, is whole and complete. When the man comes home from the hunt and if he throws down a rabbit instead of a deer the female wrinkles her nose and with her expression says, “What, only a rabbit? Maybe you don’t get laid tonight.” In today’s world we have more sophisticated renditions of this but it amounts to the same thing. “What, you drive an old car, are only a teacher, don’t make any money?” The men that are successful, just like the stag, the lion, or the bull, know that their status is temporary. One day on top, someday not. They must always prove themselves, always need to produce in order to escape the deadly dismissal from the feminine aspect of mother nature.

The feminine can be brutal in this respect. One of the most painful aspects of being male is being at the mercy of the female’s constant criticisms, the making wrong, “you can’t do anything right no matter what” syndrome. This is why it is so common that after a number of years of marriage many men have less than complimentary names for their wives, (bitch being one of the lessor insulting ones). After being subjected to endless criticisms and subtle or not so subtle dismissals the masculine is in a rage and wants to attack, to fight back. And what is the feminine response to this. “Stop being such a whiner. If you don’t want to be criticized then stop acting like such a jerk and do something right for a change.” Ouch! So the women read their trash novel romances about mythological powerful, dynamic and often “bad”men that are irresistible. In comparison their brow beaten human husbands and boyfriends cut pathetic figures.

You can see how with this scenario women are endlessly disappointed and men endlessly disappointing toward the other. This is a game neither can win but it is subtle, based on very natural processes, just carried too far. The masculine seeks approval, acceptance, and love from the great object of his desire, the feminine. If she should give him that and he is able to receive that, then he feels he is saved. Many men are so damaged that they cannot receive it when it is given; they push it away and this results in further damage to the system.

Many women are addicted to the dismissal and the critical aspect of the feminine. They just don’t know how to stop and not stopping they contribute to men becoming less and less attractive to them over time. Why? Because the perspective we perpetuate we end up creating as our reality. These women find with increasing bitterness that men are worthless and not worth investing in. They just don’t do anything right and never will.

So men get angry with women and either give up on them or just beat them up, yes, even rape them, abuse them, attack them, disrespect them, all out of their great fear of them. Yes, it is fear, not power that perpetuates this behavior. And the more afraid of women they become the more they perpetuate the reality that women are bitches or temptresses and should be punished.

Now bear in mind that I am not saying this is always the case. It is merely a summing up of many instances of abuse that take place all over this planet. Make no mistake, I am in no way condoning or excusing this behavior. It is a result of the confusion that humans have over what is purely biological and egoic and what is essence driven.

We have examined one of nature’s influences on the feminine leading to great difficulties between males and females. Now let us look at nature as it leads men into difficult territory. It is clear that a certain amount of male aggression is quite necessary to perpetuate the human race. This is true not just at the social levels but in the chemistry of the male body. During intercourse a man’s sperm is outfitted with chemical warfare, chemicals that are able to attack and penetrate the wall of the egg. In other words the more aggressive the sperm the better the chance of fertilizing the egg. At the level of the sperm and the egg, this is storming the castle, an aggressive penetration of the female biology. Men are biologically built to penetrate the female defenses. Of course it is not as simple as this because of such variables as love, affection, friendship, intent not to harm, attraction and so on. So while the sperm is busy penetrating the egg, the man can be loving the entire woman and this is the difference between aggressive biology and loving relationship.

So biologically speaking we have the archetypal male aggressing on the female and the archetypal female dismissing the male. Sound like fun? Hardly. The male, biologically built to aggress is always risking dismissal so sometimes he just attacks and rapes before he can be dismissed. That is one strategy of the false personality but it has terrible social consequences. Or he can just disenfranchise, dominate, and crush the female over time to get her back for his loss of freedom and his fall from grace in her eyes. This is a poor solution as well and comes utterly from the false personality. Finally he can be patient and wait to be accepted by the female and then chemically penetrate her egg under the truly possible mantle of love. This tends to be the closest physical approach that essence can find acceptance of and tends to work rather well. However the male ego, out of habit, still tends to hold resentment and complain that he is risking his freedom in doing this. This fear can cause anger build up.

Essence does not require attack, penetration, dominance, or anything that happens for men biologically. It merely observes the activity of the body and the personality and ignores what doesn’t serve its purposes and backs up what does. Essence is only interested in love and its full expression. This is the same for essence and the female biology. Essence does not require dismissing, criticizing, finding fault with, or anything of the like. It merely observes this simian behavior of the body and the personality. If it can find the expression of love, somehow it will express itself and if not it will simply wait until there is love.

What conclusions can we draw from these observations of the feminine and the masculine expressed through the human body? Where is the potential for healing the horrible separation between the genders? Let’s take a look.

Men have a tall order. They are helpless without the feminine and so they have a built in magnet that draws them inexorably toward it in some way or some fashion, yes, even if they are gay. They must come to terms with it. They are biologically built for aggression, the old warrior way, but to heal this animal rape style they must do something that is totally paradoxical. They must be patient, await approval, and penetrate with love. They absolutely must open their hearts and love themselves first. This they can only do through forgiveness. Men need to forgive themselves completely for everything. If they succeed at this they no longer need the approval of the woman because they have the approval of themselves, deep love. This relieves them of all the stress and distortion around women. They can relax and feel a great confidence that then attracts the female. Tall order? Maybe. But men are built for challenges, and this is the big one. This must be done individually and en mass and it must be done relatively quickly if the human race is expected to survive. It will.

The feminine absolutely loves the masculine and even though females can pretend to live without males, they don’t want to. They are biologically built to dismiss, to be selective, to use critical senses. They need to back off from the machinery of the body that just gets into dismissing as a habit. She needs to accept the male and approve wholeheartedly so that he can become what she wants him to be. The only way she can do this is in a healthy way is to forgive herself completely for everything so she can love herself completely. Only in this way can she succeed in loving the masculine without the conditions that the body personality wants to make. This is the actual meaning behind the tale of beauty and the beast and other mythological stories about kissing the frog and his becoming a prince.

Both have a job to do. There is no blame. No one is at fault for this. Yet we are all responsible to heal the dilemma. We will all deal with each side of the challenge as we move from male lifetimes to female lifetimes and back. The more progress we make in one the better it is in the next when we are the opposite sex. If you are male and you want to be a happy female in a future life, do your homework. Vice versa for the female. If you insist you are right in hating the opposite sex you will equally hate the sex you are, in a future life when you are in the opposite sex body. Don’t make this kind of trouble for yourself. It is too painful. If you are a man, love women with all your heart in a healthy way and if you are a woman, love men with all your heart in a healthy way. This means not being needy and clinging but loving out of the freedom to choose. Enjoy.

José Stevens PhD