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Sunday, March 17, 2019

Six surprising signs you could be heading for a divorce

According to couples counsellor Carole Nyman and divorce lawyer Marilyn Stowe 

1. Your spouse stops complaining

Nyman says ‘resentment is a number one killer of desire, in both genders.' If you’re married to a tortoise-type who would rather take shelter under their shell than argue their point, the unsuspecting partner may think that the issue has gone away. And if your partner has simply given up trying to explain themselves, they're probably still simmering away, without you realising. “Watch for complaints that seem unimportant to you but are obviously important to the partner,' says Nyman. 'They haven’t come to their senses when they stop talking about it - they are deciding if it’s a deal breaker.”

2. You both put your kids first

Work and children can place pressure on relationships and they inevitably have to come first, at times. But Stowe says that consistently channelling all your energies into your children, instead of each other, can backfire in the long-term: 'When children leave home, marriages which on the surface appear to be fine, often do end - because couples find there is nothing left."

3. You're more interested in other couples than your own relationship

Making comparisons with other couples is a tell-tale sign your own relationship might be suffering. 'When we are unhappy, we tend to judge other couples as happier than us,' says Nyman. 'Actually, there may be flaws in that couple’s relationship but it isn’t going to show right now because they are in a "getting on a moment". Focusing on your own relationship, and how your spouse is genuinely feeling, is more important than examining other relationships around you.'

4. Your friendships suddenly become more important

Not looking forward to an end-of-day debrief with your other half suggests your lines of communication are breaking down. Stowe says a sign to watch out for is ‘if you can’t be bothered to talk to your spouse because the response is likely to be negative/uninteresting/ a waste of time’. This can result in finding others you prefer to confide in: 'This third party relationship can soon start to be more important and more exciting than that of the spouse.'

5. You don't wonder what the other is thinking

Stowe says that warning bells should ring if 'it doesn’t particularly matter to you what your spouse thinks or what might please him or her.’ If it feels irrelevant or pointless to talk to your spouse, or simply easier not to bother, then ‘from an emotional perspective you are shutting the other off.'

6. Your sex drives are out of sync

Both Stowe and Nyman think changes to your sex routine are one of the first signs that something is not right. Besides an obvious loss of interest in sex, Nyman says to watch for 'changes in love-making style, such as less concern for the partner, a change in who initiates, or less connection during sex'. If either or both of you regularly start feeling rejected, it can easily lead to a rift.

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