Most people assume that others have the same moral code as themselves. We assume that others agree it is wrong to lie, steal, and manipulate others for our own gain. It can come as a shock, then, when you cross paths with someone who shatters that perception. In some cases, this person may be a narcissistic sociopath—a person with a unique combination of traits that causes them to create destruction in their personal and professional lives.
“Their interests aren’t organizational. Their
interests are for themselves,” said Birgit Schyns of Neoma Business School.
Schyns coauthored the article with Barbara Wisse of the University of Groningen
and Durham University Business School, and Stacey Sanders of the University of
Groningen.
The Dark Triad
Three types of personality profiles make up the points of
this dark triangle—psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism. Psychologists
Paulhus and Williams coined the term "dark triad" in 2002 when they
found that these three personalities tend to run together and cause trouble in
relationships.
Machiavellianism
Niccolò Machiavelli was a 15th-century Italian politician
famous for advising rulers to use deception and deviousness to maintain power.
Nowadays, his name is synonymous with a person who schemes and manipulates
people. People with this trait are strategic in their relationships, selecting
relationships with people they can use for personal social status or wealth.
In a self-report questionnaire of the dark triad personality
traits, items for measuring Machiavellianism include:
"It’s wise to keep track of information that you can
use against people later."
"Whatever it takes, you must get the important people
on your side."
"I use insincere flattery to get my way."
Psychopathy
When we hear the term “psychopath,” we tend to think of
serial killers à la Charles Manson and Ed Kemper. But psychopathy is a
spectrum, and we're all on it. People who have a high level of psychopathy have
low empathy for others, are callous in their actions, and tend to be reckless
and thrill-seeking.
Psychopaths might agree with statements like:
"Payback needs to be quick and nasty."
"People often say I’m out of control."
"I enjoy having sex with people I hardly know."
Of course, this is not to say that everyone who participates
in casual sex with strangers has high levels of psychopathy. A psychopathic
portrait would also include many hints of high risk-taking together with a lack
of empathy.
article continues after advertisement
Narcissism
Narcissus was a beautiful hunter in Greek mythology who fell
in love with his own reflection. But now, when we say that someone is
narcissistic, we mean something more than just vanity. Someone with high levels
of narcissism feels entitled to adoration, power, and high status, so much so
that if they don’t get these things, they may lash out.
They might agree with statements like:
"Many group activities are dull without me."
"I have a natural talent for influencing people."
"I like being the center of attention."
If they don’t get the attention they crave, they might, for example, lie about how many gifts they received for their birthday.
Based on the ominous name, you might think people would know
to avoid those with the dark triad. Ironically, we’re often attracted to people
who have a smidge of psychopathy or a hint of dominance, especially because
people with the dark triad tend to be good at making themselves appear more
attractive.
Dark Triad Relationship Patterns
There are five destructive patterns you can take note of to
recognize people high on the continuum of dark triad traits.
1. Lying
Researchers have found that those higher on the dark triad
continuum lie more often and think of themselves as good at deception. More
specifically, Machiavellianism is associated with telling more white lies,
while narcissism is associated with lying about popularity. The most troubling
are those with high levels of psychopathy, who are more likely to lie for no
reason at all.
When you catch a partner with these traits in a lie, you
might begin to sense that something doesn’t add up. These erosions of trust,
whether big or small, can start to chip away at your sense of security.
2. Infidelity
It’s well-known that those high on the dark triad scale are
more likely to cheat on romantic partners. Given their penchant for
impulsivity, lack of care for others’ feelings, and ability to lie easily and
often, this isn’t surprising. What’s more interesting is which traits in the
dark triad lead to which types of infidelity outcomes.
When people with higher levels of psychopathy cheat, it
tends to lead to a breakup. But when people who are a more Machiavellian cheat,
they can manage to keep the relationship going. This might be because their
strategic approach to everything lets them fly under the radar. Even when they
get caught, they’re better able to manipulate their partner and may get off
scot-free. In fact, you might find yourself wondering if you’re the bad guy
when the boyfriend you just caught sexting with someone else says you’re the
one driving him away by being too overbearing. Don’t fall for it! This is
classic Machiavelli.
3. Jealousy and revenge
Those with the dark triad tend to have higher levels of
preventive jealousy—that is, feeling jealous before they’ve been given reason
to—than the average person.
One study found that those with the dark triad are not only
more likely to have cheated on a partner but also expect to be cheated on. If
they do find themselves in an unfaithful relationship; they’re more likely than
the average person to want to take revenge, like shouting at their partner or
spreading a rumor about them.
Interestingly, the dark triad women in this study said that
even though they would want revenge, they wouldn’t necessarily end the
relationship if their partner cheated. This speaks to wanting emotional control
over their partner for control's sake rather than doing hurtful things only as
an impulsive reaction.
4. Superficial relationships
Given their lack of true emotional devotion, people high on
the dark triad scale doesn’t tend to choose serious, committed relationships.
Now there’s nothing wrong with flings, dating for fun,
friends-with-benefits, and other not-so-serious “romances.” At different times
in our lives, we have different needs, and most of us have probably had
relationships that were never meant for a serious commitment.
But people with more dark triad traits tend to make a habit
of emotionally shallow relationships, both romantically and with friends.
Specifically, narcissism tends to go hand-in-hand with one-night-stands, and
psychopathy tends to go with booty calls.
In friendships, Machiavellians look to befriend those with
elite social status. Narcissists like to roll with a good-looking squad. Men with psychopathic traits are just like friends who can play wingmen and hook up with potential mates.
5. Relationships that don’t last
With all these not-so-glowing findings to recommend them,
it’s no surprise that people with high dark triad traits don’t tend to have
long-lasting relationships.
Even if they wanted to stay in a long-term relationship,
people with the dark triad have a hard time making it last, perhaps because
they are simply hard to get along with. The researchers who first coined the
“dark triad” term noticed immediately that agreeableness—warmth, friendliness,
tact—is the one thing most people with these traits lack.
The dark triad traits have gray gradations, and if you
find yourself in a relationship with someone low on those scales, it might
simply end with hurt feelings. But someone high on the rungs of psychopathy,
narcissism, and Machiavellianism might cause you serious damage.
Medical Disclaimer: All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own mental health provider. Please consult a licensed mental health professional for all individual questions and issues.
Red-flag behaviors
What should a manager do after identifying such job candidates or employees? Over-claiming, or falsely taking credit for, contributions to the organization. (narcissism)Actively promoting themselves. (narcissism, Machiavellianism)
Being aggressive after negative feedback and criticizing the source of feedback. (narcissism)
Treating valued members of the organization (trophy colleagues) differently than those who do not boost their egos. (narcissism)
Demonstrating a selfish perspective with a “choose your battles” mind-set. (Machiavellianism)
Trying to control or minimize other people’s influence. (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy)
Not sharing knowledge with colleagues. (Machiavellianism)
Using manipulation to reach strategic goals. (Machiavellianism, psychopathy)
Scheming for personal benefit without considering consequences for others. (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy)
Competing rather than cooperating. (Machiavellianism, psychopathy)
Making quick, short-term-focused decisions without considering consequences for others. (psychopathy)
Making bold, risky decisions without regard to organizational rules or ethics. (narcissism, psychopathy)
Questioning authority figures, rules, and the status quo. (psychopathy)
Bullying or criticizing coworkers to focus on interpersonal relationships instead of tasks at hand. (psychopathy)
Luring coworkers into wild behaviors or seducing coworkers or supervisors into romantic relationships. (Machiavellianism, psychopathy)
“If you can avoid it, don’t hire them. If you have them, don’t promote them,” Schyns said.
How to get out of a relationship with a dark triad personality
It can be scary to realize that your partner has dark triad traits. At the same time, it might feel like a morbid relief to put the pieces together. Either way, if you find yourself finally understanding why you feel insecure, emotionally spent, or like you’ve been gaslit, it’s a good first step to changing your situation.
To safely get yourself out of a relationship with someone with dark triad traits, here are good places to start:
1. Surround yourself with supportive people
People with high dark triad levels are known for playing mind games and undercutting your confidence. Bolster your defenses with people you can trust to be in your corner who will believe what you say and offer you a safe emotional haven.
2. Get your affairs in order
In some tragic cases, people have lost their financial resources, independence to move around, or other important safety mechanisms during a messy breakup.
Ideally, you'll want to secure:
- An independent bank account
- A safe place to physically go to
- A private place to communicate with your supportive people
- Anything else you may need to stay safe in case the other person acts recklessly
3. Make a clean break
Like Dua Lipa said, "Don't pick up the phone ... Don't let him in ... Don't be his friend."
You don’t need to keep justifying why you're leaving, especially if the other person is trying to excuse away your concerns or gaslight your feelings.
Commit to a clean break without giving in to crocodile tears that can seem convincing. Don’t linger in a shared living space. Don’t bargain. You don’t need to keep justifying why you're leaving, especially if the other person is trying to excuse away your concerns or gaslight your feelings.
4. Be compassionate with yourself
It’s so hard to be in a relationship (and to break up) with someone with dark triad traits. It’s not a sign of weakness or foolishness on your part that you got sucked in! Be kind to yourself. In extreme situations where safety is a concern, make sure you use your resources, including law enforcement, legal representation, and therapy.
It’s not a sign of weakness or foolishness on your part that you got sucked in!
You deserve to be respected and loved in a relationship, not lied to or manipulated. Now that you know the signs of the dark triad, you know how to spot a bad relationship in the making and get out before you get too deeply into it. And if you're already in it, don't be afraid to let go. You've got this!
Thanks
Dr. Jade Wu is a licensed clinical psychologist. She received her Ph.D. from Boston University and completed a clinical residency and fellowship at Duke University School of Medicine.
No comments:
Post a Comment