Friday, March 5, 2021

Why are traits like psychopathy and narcissism so destructive to relationships?

Defined in the most simple way dark triad is the combination of predispositions which include non-sensitiveness (for others) and covetousness, and relate to the model of behavior by which is taken the advantage over others, exploitation the others because of his selfish interests (Jones & Paulhus, 2011)

Most people assume that others have the same moral code as themselves. We assume that others agree it is wrong to lie, steal, and manipulate others for our own gain. It can come as a shock, then, when you cross paths with someone who shatters that perception. In some cases, this person may be a narcissistic sociopath—a person with a unique combination of traits that causes them to create destruction in their personal and professional lives.

“Their interests aren’t organizational. Their interests are for themselves,” said Birgit Schyns of Neoma Business School. Schyns coauthored the article with Barbara Wisse of the University of Groningen and Durham University Business School, and Stacey Sanders of the University of Groningen.


The Dark Triad

 

Three types of personality profiles make up the points of this dark triangle—psychopathy, Machiavellianism, and narcissism. Psychologists Paulhus and Williams coined the term "dark triad" in 2002 when they found that these three personalities tend to run together and cause trouble in relationships.

 

Machiavellianism

 

Niccolò Machiavelli was a 15th-century Italian politician famous for advising rulers to use deception and deviousness to maintain power. Nowadays, his name is synonymous with a person who schemes and manipulates people. People with this trait are strategic in their relationships, selecting relationships with people they can use for personal social status or wealth.

 

In a self-report questionnaire of the dark triad personality traits, items for measuring Machiavellianism include:

 

"It’s wise to keep track of information that you can use against people later."

"Whatever it takes, you must get the important people on your side."

"I use insincere flattery to get my way."

Psychopathy

 

When we hear the term “psychopath,” we tend to think of serial killers à la Charles Manson and Ed Kemper. But psychopathy is a spectrum, and we're all on it. People who have a high level of psychopathy have low empathy for others, are callous in their actions, and tend to be reckless and thrill-seeking.

 

Psychopaths might agree with statements like:

 

"Payback needs to be quick and nasty."

"People often say I’m out of control."

"I enjoy having sex with people I hardly know."

Of course, this is not to say that everyone who participates in casual sex with strangers has high levels of psychopathy. A psychopathic portrait would also include many hints of high risk-taking together with a lack of empathy.

 

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Narcissism


 

Narcissus was a beautiful hunter in Greek mythology who fell in love with his own reflection. But now, when we say that someone is narcissistic, we mean something more than just vanity. Someone with high levels of narcissism feels entitled to adoration, power, and high status, so much so that if they don’t get these things, they may lash out.

 

They might agree with statements like:

 

"Many group activities are dull without me."

"I have a natural talent for influencing people."

"I like being the center of attention."

If they don’t get the attention they crave, they might, for example, lie about how many gifts they received for their birthday.

 

Based on the ominous name, you might think people would know to avoid those with the dark triad. Ironically, we’re often attracted to people who have a smidge of psychopathy or a hint of dominance, especially because people with the dark triad tend to be good at making themselves appear more attractive.

 

 

 

Dark Triad Relationship Patterns

 

There are five destructive patterns you can take note of to recognize people high on the continuum of dark triad traits.

 

1. Lying

 

Researchers have found that those higher on the dark triad continuum lie more often and think of themselves as good at deception. More specifically, Machiavellianism is associated with telling more white lies, while narcissism is associated with lying about popularity. The most troubling are those with high levels of psychopathy, who are more likely to lie for no reason at all.

 


 

When you catch a partner with these traits in a lie, you might begin to sense that something doesn’t add up. These erosions of trust, whether big or small, can start to chip away at your sense of security.

 

2. Infidelity

 

It’s well-known that those high on the dark triad scale are more likely to cheat on romantic partners. Given their penchant for impulsivity, lack of care for others’ feelings, and ability to lie easily and often, this isn’t surprising. What’s more interesting is which traits in the dark triad lead to which types of infidelity outcomes.

 

When people with higher levels of psychopathy cheat, it tends to lead to a breakup. But when people who are a more Machiavellian cheat, they can manage to keep the relationship going. This might be because their strategic approach to everything lets them fly under the radar. Even when they get caught, they’re better able to manipulate their partner and may get off scot-free. In fact, you might find yourself wondering if you’re the bad guy when the boyfriend you just caught sexting with someone else says you’re the one driving him away by being too overbearing. Don’t fall for it! This is classic Machiavelli.

 

3. Jealousy and revenge

 

Those with the dark triad tend to have higher levels of preventive jealousy—that is, feeling jealous before they’ve been given reason to—than the average person.

 

One study found that those with the dark triad are not only more likely to have cheated on a partner but also expect to be cheated on. If they do find themselves in an unfaithful relationship; they’re more likely than the average person to want to take revenge, like shouting at their partner or spreading a rumor about them.

  

Interestingly, the dark triad women in this study said that even though they would want revenge, they wouldn’t necessarily end the relationship if their partner cheated. This speaks to wanting emotional control over their partner for control's sake rather than doing hurtful things only as an impulsive reaction.

 

4. Superficial relationships

 

Given their lack of true emotional devotion, people high on the dark triad scale doesn’t tend to choose serious, committed relationships.

 

Now there’s nothing wrong with flings, dating for fun, friends-with-benefits, and other not-so-serious “romances.” At different times in our lives, we have different needs, and most of us have probably had relationships that were never meant for a serious commitment.

 

But people with more dark triad traits tend to make a habit of emotionally shallow relationships, both romantically and with friends. Specifically, narcissism tends to go hand-in-hand with one-night-stands, and psychopathy tends to go with booty calls.

 

In friendships, Machiavellians look to befriend those with elite social status. Narcissists like to roll with a good-looking squad. Men with psychopathic traits are just like friends who can play wingmen and hook up with potential mates.

 


5. Relationships that don’t last

 

With all these not-so-glowing findings to recommend them, it’s no surprise that people with high dark triad traits don’t tend to have long-lasting relationships.

 

Even if they wanted to stay in a long-term relationship, people with the dark triad have a hard time making it last, perhaps because they are simply hard to get along with. The researchers who first coined the “dark triad” term noticed immediately that agreeableness—warmth, friendliness, tact—is the one thing most people with these traits lack.

 

The dark triad traits have gray gradations, and if you find yourself in a relationship with someone low on those scales, it might simply end with hurt feelings. But someone high on the rungs of psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism might cause you serious damage.

 

Medical Disclaimer: All content here is for informational purposes only. This content does not replace the professional judgment of your own mental health provider. Please consult a licensed mental health professional for all individual questions and issues. 

Red-flag behaviors


  1. What should a manager do after identifying such job candidates or employees? Over-claiming, or falsely taking credit for, contributions to the organization. (narcissism)

  2. Actively promoting themselves. (narcissism, Machiavellianism)

  3. Being aggressive after negative feedback and criticizing the source of feedback. (narcissism)

  4. Treating valued members of the organization (trophy colleagues) differently than those who do not boost their egos. (narcissism)

  5. Demonstrating a selfish perspective with a “choose your battles” mind-set. (Machiavellianism)

  6. Trying to control or minimize other people’s influence. (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy)

  7. Not sharing knowledge with colleagues. (Machiavellianism)

  8. Using manipulation to reach strategic goals. (Machiavellianism, psychopathy)

  9. Scheming for personal benefit without considering consequences for others. (narcissism, Machiavellianism, psychopathy)

  10. Competing rather than cooperating. (Machiavellianism, psychopathy)

  11. Making quick, short-term-focused decisions without considering consequences for others. (psychopathy)

  12. Making bold, risky decisions without regard to organizational rules or ethics. (narcissism, psychopathy)

  13. Questioning authority figures, rules, and the status quo. (psychopathy)

  14. Bullying or criticizing coworkers to focus on interpersonal relationships instead of tasks at hand. (psychopathy)

  15. Luring coworkers into wild behaviors or seducing coworkers or supervisors into romantic relationships. (Machiavellianism, psychopathy)

If you can avoid it, don’t hire them. If you have them, don’t promote them,” Schyns said.

How to get out of a relationship with a dark triad personality

It can be scary to realize that your partner has dark triad traits. At the same time, it might feel like a morbid relief to put the pieces together. Either way, if you find yourself finally understanding why you feel insecure, emotionally spent, or like you’ve been gaslit, it’s a good first step to changing your situation.

To safely get yourself out of a relationship with someone with dark triad traits, here are good places to start:

1. Surround yourself with supportive people

People with high dark triad levels are known for playing mind games and undercutting your confidence. Bolster your defenses with people you can trust to be in your corner who will believe what you say and offer you a safe emotional haven.

2. Get your affairs in order

In some tragic cases, people have lost their financial resources, independence to move around, or other important safety mechanisms during a messy breakup. 

Ideally, you'll want to secure:

  • An independent bank account
  • A safe place to physically go to
  • A private place to communicate with your supportive people
  • Anything else you may need to stay safe in case the other person acts recklessly

3. Make a clean break

Like Dua Lipa said, "Don't pick up the phone ... Don't let him in ... Don't be his friend."

You don’t need to keep justifying why you're leaving, especially if the other person is trying to excuse away your concerns or gaslight your feelings.

Commit to a clean break without giving in to crocodile tears that can seem convincing. Don’t linger in a shared living space. Don’t bargain. You don’t need to keep justifying why you're leaving, especially if the other person is trying to excuse away your concerns or gaslight your feelings.

4. Be compassionate with yourself

It’s so hard to be in a relationship (and to break up) with someone with dark triad traits. It’s not a sign of weakness or foolishness on your part that you got sucked in! Be kind to yourself. In extreme situations where safety is a concern, make sure you use your resources, including law enforcement, legal representation, and therapy.

It’s not a sign of weakness or foolishness on your part that you got sucked in!

You deserve to be respected and loved in a relationship, not lied to or manipulated. Now that you know the signs of the dark triad, you know how to spot a bad relationship in the making and get out before you get too deeply into it. And if you're already in it, don't be afraid to let go. You've got this!

Thanks

Jones, D. N., & Paulhus, D. L. (2012). Introducing the Short Dark Triad (SD3): A brief measure of dark personalities. Journal of Research in Personality, under revision.
Jade Wu, PhD

Dr. Jade Wu is a licensed clinical psychologist. She received her Ph.D. from Boston University and completed a clinical residency and fellowship at Duke University School of Medicine. 

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