Psychologists young and old have advised that using their
research-backed strategies can help people strengthen relationships. These
strategies are proven to help navigate the issues that come about, like
arguments and negativity. You and your partner can create a more positive and
long-lasting relationship with:
Empathic listening
Cognitive re-framing
A soft start-up
When these techniques are put to work, it will be easier to communicate and work together with your partner.
There are a number of well-researched psychological
strategies that can help strengthen your love relationships. Here are seven
strategies, the psychology behind them, and how to use them.
1. The Expectancy Effect — This is one of the most
well-researched psychological phenomena. Psychologist Robert Rosenthal
demonstrated that by holding positive expectations about another’s behavior, we
can subtly influence their behavior in a good way (the “I-know-you-can-do-it”
effect). Holding positive expectations about your loved one (“You are a good
person”; “I think you are fabulous”; “You will succeed”) can not only make them
feel better, but make them perform better as well.
2. Positive Social Support — Considerable research shows
that giving positive support to a stressed loved one can help them cope. The
key, however, is to avoid negativity in the supportive relationship. Examples
of negative social support are comments like, “I told you so,” or lashing out
in a scolding or punitive manner. Be positively supportive by listening rather
than telling. If your partner primarily needs to be heard and understood, be
empathic and supportive (see empathic listening below). If problem-solving is
in order, try to help solve the problem. Be what your loved one needs at the
given time. If in doubt, ask.
3. The Norm of Reciprocity — This is the “one good turn
deserves another” phenomenon that has important implications for all of the
other strategies. In essence, the norm of reciprocity states that if someone
does us a favor, we feel indebted, and there is a psychological motivation to
return the favor. So, if our partner compliments us, we feel the urge to return
the compliment. The key is to keep the norm in positive territory — focusing on
our loved one’s positive attributes and behaviors. Compliment, perform some
favor, help out with some chore — and you will usually receive something
positive in return.
4. Cognitive Re framing — When your loved one is troubled and
dwelling on only the negatives — an illness, a misfortune, some stressors at
work — try to provide an alternative way of viewing the situation in a more
positive light. This is the old, proven technique of having the individual
focus on positives instead of negatives (“Count your blessings”). Here is a
helpful website to help you understand cognitive re-framing.
5. Empathic Listening — The goal of empathic listening is to
allow your partner to disclose feelings, thoughts, concerns, stresses, or
problems, and to do so by fully listening and empathizing with them. One
difficulty is our tendency to want to say something — to offer advice or make
suggestions — but it is important to focus simply on gaining an understanding
of our partner’s emotions and concerns, and to demonstrate that we understand
their feelings. Empathic listening can make our partner feel better, relieve
stress, and provide a sense of security. The norm of reciprocity suggests that
if we are an empathic listener, our partner will also become more empathic —
but it doesn’t hurt to remind them. Like many of these strategies, empathic
listening is something that needs to be developed. Here is a detailed guide to
empathic listening.
6. Unconditional Positive Regard — Developed by humanistic
psychologist Carl Rogers, this is being accepting and supportive of a loved
one, regardless of what the person has done, experienced, or said. Like
empathic listening, showing unconditional positive regard takes patience and
practice. You need to suspend your own feelings and opinions and just value the
other individual. Over time, demonstrating unconditional positive regard should
be returned by your partner.
7. Model Forgiveness — When your partner transgresses, it is
important to maintain the relationship that you forgive. We all make mistakes,
and by showing forgiveness, we can model how to begin to repair fractured
relationships.
Of course, relationships are a two-way street. Both partners
need to engage in these positive psychological behaviors for a relationship to
succeed.
1. Seek to understand before trying to be understood.
One
of the most common negative patterns I see in my work with couples is
the cycle of criticism and defensiveness. This often happens when you
hear something you perceive as an attack or criticism from your partner,
which leads you immediately to defend yourself.
This pattern sets
both of you up not to be heard. As soon as you start to defend your
position, you’ve lost the opportunity to understand your partner. Even
if you feel under attack or think you hear a criticism, try to
understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings before you respond.
2. Slow down your communication to truly hear your partner.
Many
issues get out of control because once this dynamic of criticism and
defense is under way, the interaction often moves very quickly. When
your communication is speeding up, you can miss a lot of important
information that your partner is expressing. This fast pace also
increases the volatility of your discussion, making it harder for you to
keep the conversation calm.
If you notice that your discussion is
moving too quickly, intentionally put on the brakes and slow down the
exchange. Make sure your partner knows you truly want to understand what
he or she is saying. This helps defuse the reactivity and allows you to
continue to communicate in an adult-to-adult way.
3. Be curious about your partner’s perspective.
This
one is easier said than done when you’re feeling blamed, criticized or
attacked. However, one of the best things you can do in such
circumstances is to be curious about your partner’s perspective. This
can be disarming in a positive way, and it immediately helps de-escalate
the rising tension between you.
By being curious, you can learn
new things about your partner, as well as support your conversation in
moving toward a resolution. You can still disagree with your partner’s
perspective and remain curious and interested in how their view is
different from yours. Practice this next time you feel a heated
discussion coming on and see what happens.
4. Recognize your emotional triggers and learn to self-soothe.
When
you know what your emotional triggers are, it allows you to be aware
when the potential for their activation is present. We all bring
‘baggage’ into our relationships — from our childhood, previous
relationships, school experiences and of course, our family of origin.
There’s no such thing as a person who is ‘baggage-free;’ however, you
can use your awareness of your hot spots to know when they are likely to
be triggered.
Practice observing yourself, even when you feel
triggered by your partner. See if you can name it by saying “I’m feeling
[insert feeling] now, and I think it’s also touching something in my
past that’s not related to you.” By naming the trigger, it helps your
partner understand that there’s more at play here than just the current
conversation. This understanding can help both of you be less reactive
in the moment.
5. Practice using empathy to foster a closer connection.
Empathy
is the fuel of good relationships. Being empathic is about imagining
yourself walking in your partner’s shoes seeing the world from their
perspective. When you can respond empathically to your partner, it
facilitates a deeper bond and creates a strong sense of safety and trust
between you. When you’re feeling attacked, however, this is the last
thing you feel like doing. It does require you to be able to step
outside yourself and begin to appreciate a reality different from yours.
Practicing
empathy does not mean that you have to completely surrender and give up
what you want or give up your own reality. It just means you need to
suspend your own perspective, even momentarily, so you can appreciate
the smallest part of how your partner sees things. Start small – even if
you’re imagining only one to five percent of what your partner feels —
and then build on that. Your partner will feel the shift and will be
able to let down his or her guard a little, opening up the possibility
of a better connection.
6. Listen for the hidden unmet need or emotion.
When
your partner is in distress and voicing a complaint or you’re feeling
criticized or blamed, there’s always some unmet need, want, desire or
unexpressed emotion underlying this cry. The challenge for you is to go
underneath the overt complaint and see if you can tap into the hidden
emotion. By uncovering this emotion and tentatively asking if the covert
emotion is also going on for your partner, you can bypass the surface
anger, irritation or resentment and cut to the core emotion that needs
to be validated.
This is no easy task, as it requires you to
figuratively step up and out of the current conflict and to look and
listen for what’s not being expressed. It also requires you to suspend
your own reactivity and defensiveness in order to connect with your
partner’s deeper needs.When you find yourself in a conflict situation,
pause for a moment and see if you can feel what else in the conversation
your partner is not expressing. To help you with this, remind yourself
that your partner is in distress, but is not able to share the whole
picture of the distress with you. Listen carefully for this and use your
curiosity to find out what else is not being overtly shared.
7. Anticipate issues before they become issues.
Many
current issues could have been dealt with much earlier in the
relationship, but weren’t. Avoiding talking about small issues often can
lead to unresolved issues festering and expanding over time, only
eventually to explode and become much bigger than they were initially.
You may not want to rock the boat when things seem to be going well. You
may believe that nothing good comes of raising complaints or issues.
The
reality is, couples who seek to avoid conflict almost always end up in
lots of it. Get into the habit of naming and flagging issues with each
other, even when they are small. One of the ways to do this is to have a
regular check-in to discuss current issues and assess where your
relationship is going. Over time, this structure can help you feel more
confident about your ability to effectively deal with conflict and
disagreements.
Communication in a relationship requires constant
attention. Start with the basics and establish rituals of communication
and connection to ensure the longevity of your love and connection with
each another.
